Today is my last day. I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you how happy it makes me to be able to type that phrase.
I have been with you for many years and have continuously dreamed that one day I would be able to leave. My dream is finally becoming a reality and I wouldn’t have been able to achieve that without your moderate indifference and disregard for talent; for that I thank you.
To those who managed me during my time here (Fear, Ineptitude, Indifference, and Want), I could thank you enough, and choose not to let words describe any feelings of appreciation towards you. Your lack of leadership and inability to inspire talent was truly inspiring.
Throughout my tenure, I was given the completely mundane chance to work for faceless and interchangeable supervisors on an endless chain of identical projects that allowed me to shine in no way. I learned very little, if nothing at all, from the experiences. Thank you for your “belief in my abilities” and quantifying my benefit to you by ways of “meets expectations.”
To my fellow co-workers, I knew many of you very well during my time here and would like to take this opportunity for some personal goodbyes.
To Doubt, I cannot say that working with you was a pleasure. I’m not sure I felt much of anything at all and whatever I had felt was constantly brought into question. I wish you a backbone and the personal strength you so desperately lack.
To Gossip, you should really learn to keep your mouth shut, I’ll even provide the stapler, if necessary. Your countless hours of distraction are something I could never pay back, as I gained nothing from them. I leave you nothing, which I’m sure you will tell everyone about.
To Laziness, you always had ways to make me not write my blog posts. Your constant jibes of “Why are you reading Permission Marketing? Here look, a Garfield comic.” truly increased my ability at underproduction. I’m sure you will do fine without me. I’m sure you won’t do much at all.
To Greed, I truly enjoyed watching you take credit for many of my colleagues actions, raising yourself up onto a platform you did not deserve. My actions while under your supervision were truly demoralizing and I hope one day you have the chance to apologize for the things you took.
To the Executives of Selfishness, despite your claims of unsatisfactory workmanship from my co-workers and myself, I tend to think you were really unsatisfied with yourself. Your unethical behavior, jealousy and cronyism were a pure joy to work around each day, despite my inner desire to succeed.
There are many people I care about being left behind in your service. They toil for you not because of any false love or admiration for what you stand for, but simply are stuck under the supervision of the previously stated managers. I hope you find the will to embrace them and let them go for your own good.
So, in parting, I would like to pass on a word of advice to whomever might take my place in this position. It would behoove you to take note of what you see surrounding you each day. Note the atmosphere at determined stagnated progress and ask yourself, “How could I do more?” The faster you learn to think for yourself, the faster you will find a new position.
I leave you with little more than I came in with those many years ago. I hope you continue with your relentless pursuit of averageness and are able to employ many more nonentities to complete your tasks. Don’t bother trying to reply to this as I am more than likely doing something productive with my life and wouldn’t be able to slow down if you paid me (because that’s what you used to do).